Everyday i come to school with the idea that maybe today will be a good day and most of the time its not true and every now and then i can fake being happy enough so eventually i start believing myself,

I act happy so people dont ask me questions about my problems cause i cant talk about my problems without crying and i dont want to cry at school but it comes to a point where i cant keep everything in anymore…                                    people look at me and just see someone whos self absorbed, bitchy and a slut and literally none of that is true, i know people say stuff like this all the time to get people off their back but thats not what im asking, all im asking is to just realize that maybe theres someone different behind everyone, that we put on this act to protect ourselves and I’ve done a pretty good job at that. No one except for a couple people know who I am and im so tired of this, Im tired of doing the same thing every day and i know it should be easy to change that but a pattern makes me feel comfort like nothings gonna just leave me like alot of people have…i think what hit me was that my best friend is pretty much off like i dont see her anymore and i use to tell her everything and she actually listened to me and cried with me and even though we say we will always be best friends inside i know that thats not true and my other best friends is moving schools and that kinda broke me down…honestly i have no one and people say ill always be here for you and you can always talk to me but i cant talk to anyone, everyone i have ever talked to either they dont listen and just change the subject or they cant relate so they just dont get how im feeling inside and my friends are too busy with their lives to honeslty listen and ask me whats going on and the reality is no one cares and people dont have time for me anymore and maybe im not worth making time for..                                                                                                     and i hate complaining about my problems to other people cause theres so much more going on in the world but i cant listen to other people complain about grades and dumb teachers and guys they cant get because honestly i have stuff going on that is 20 times worse, stuff that ill remember for the rest of my life that makes me want to not be here anymore, so im done listening to people when they say “my moms so annoying” and “i cant stand homework “cause im to the point where i want to scream, i had to leave class today because people just dont get it and im not gonna force anyone to get it, i dont excpect ANYONE to read this whole thing because no one cares enough.

i cant sleep knowing that my brother was in jail and that hes fucking up his life and i cant sleep knowing that my mom is upstairs having nightmares about the man that raped her and im done with feeling put to the side because i deserve better than this i cover myslef in makeup and cute clothes that arent me to cover up the pain i feel every single day and it never goes away it just gets hidden deeper and deeper inside of me and i have absolutly no way to get it out, because no one will listen. i come home and just cry and cry because theres no other way to let anything out…im so alone i dont have a best friend anymore that i see everyday i dont have anyone and people ask me when im crying or am in a bad mood if im okay and i say yes but obvioulsy im not okay if im crying!!!!…ill probably come to school all smiley tommorow like i never wrote this and thats my strong side that covers up everything but the reality is im not okay!!