well over the spand of my life people have gone in and out and some people i look around and their still there for me, but most people i see out living their life as they’re officially out of mine and there is someone currently in my life named loren seitz who has changed my life in some good ways and some bad ways umm..its really hard for me to explain the way i feel about him except that i love who this guy is he opens up my mind to think that everything i want i could get and everything i want to do i can do, he makes me feel indescribable and i know i write sweet things about this guy on here all the time and how special he is to me but this isnt all good…

its almost been 11 months from the first time we met and 7 months of us dating and its been a crazy ride of us crying and loving and fighting ive given up alot and i know you have to i given up seeing my friends all the time, ive given up me being shy about my body or fully opening up to anyone, ive told you things that has happened to me or ive done to myself that no one knows about and ive showed you fully who i am and your in love with me and i know everyday we spend together theres always something wrong with me, or something i think couldve gone better and i want to fully apoligize to you for that because the last thing i want is for you to feel like your not good enough,like no matter what you do you couldve done something better, cause i remember right when we started dating you told me alot of the time you dont feel good enough, like you didnt do a good enough job at something wether its playing baseball or something for your dad or anything. i want you to know the reason why i always plan stuff and i always get sad when i have to leave you is because i dont know if ill wake up and you will still be here. everysingle person i know thats in my life has left me in some way or another and i cant lose you..your the one person who i can vent to and isnt selfish and the one person who i feel safe with. When i was little before my life started to turn upside down i was the happiest little girl ever i had two amazing best friends my whole family loved eachother so much and i had this feeling like life was a beautiful thing and as i got older that thought started to fade away and it has been gone for a long time but when im with you it comes back and i look at you and see this amazing smart talented funny guy who makes me feel perfect…i use to be embaressed of our relationship because it was so confusing and i could feel me starting to fall inlove with you so i pulled away and i decided to hurt you cause i knew if he really loves me he will stick around and i kept hurting you cause i didnt want to be in love with you honestly because i knew that eventually you would leave and i would see you walking around with your friends or something or see you when im in my 20’s and i would look at you and act like the love we had never happened and i didnt want that to happen i wanted you to find someone else thats not as crazy as me right away i could tell that you  deserved the world and i knew that i couldnt give that to you so i pushed you away so much to the point where i couldnt do it any more..you kept staying with me and staying with me and i didnt get it i didnt understand why you still loved me but thats what love is i guess, i know your drop dead in love with me and my friends dont quite understand no one does, they think that this is just some highschool relationship that will end in the next couple years we have left but i dont feel like that im fully in love with you and thats the reason why we fight all the time cause we both need to be together and when i cant constantly be with the person that makes me feel like the way i did when i was little i get so upset and i point out everything that could be perfect thats not and i bring out all my hurt and anger on you because i know you love me, if i did that to anyone else they would leave because they dont realize how much love i can give to a person if they give me love.

to every person who has hurt me in some way loren,my brother,my mom,my moms step dad,my dad,alex,kiah,keyesa,laney,twyla,claire,alexis,julian,katy,aidan cc,michelle,caitlin b,zoe,every guy who has screwed me over or broke my heart,every guy that has tried to hurt me physically,every girl that has judged and talked shit about me, and to every single one of my friends that was to involved in their own life to care about mine, and to every single person that has left my life i just ask why? and to all these people i want to tell you that i loved you all so much and i opened up to you enough for you to hurt me and i know i have probably done something hurtful to each and every one of you, but right now i just want to say that i am sorry and that loren gives me more love than all you guys combined and thats not right and i wish maybe every now and then you guys could just tell me you love me or call me just to see if im still here to take 5 min out of your every day life to tell someone you love them doesnt seem that hard so how about you try it………and to you loren all i want to say is thankyou, thankyou for loving every inch of me and laughing when i say something thats not funny,hugging me while i cry,yelling at me when i deserve it,calling me out on all my shit and mostly thankyou for being you and i wanted you to know how i felt, because the chance of us living the rest of our life together is slim but just know you have my heart forever and when your older and your marrying some beautiful woman who will be amazing i will be there in the back of the room hopeing you have an amzing life and ill always be here for you.

 so for now i want to be with you and feel the love that you give me and we can see what happens and my hope is that the thought i had when i was little about life being beautiful will officially come back soon and it will all be because of you. you give me a feeling that ive never felt before and i hope you know that no matter what happens in our life i want you to know that you changed my life and me…thankyou loren seitz